You may know who you are and what you are doing…
God may know who you are and what you are doing…
But if the Dispatcher does not know who you are and what you are doing — then you'd better be on very good terms with God.

Railroad iron is a magician’s rod, in its power to evoke the sleeping energies of land and water. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

     An elderly gentleman on a train was mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process: mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.
     Another passenger observed this, and after about an hour, he said, "Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?" "Oh, no," replied the oldster. "It's just that long trips get boring so I tell myself jokes."
     "But why, sir," asked the passenger, "do you keep raising your hand?" "Well," said the oldster, "that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that one before."

A father and his young son were down at the depot watching the trains roll through. The boy turned to his father and said, "Dad, I want to grow up and be a Conductor!" His father looked down at him and grinned saying, "Son, you can't do both."

West Japan Railway endeared to lion poop? WAKAYAMA — Lion poop is being lauded as a great saver of time and money as it has prevented deer from crashing into trains during a three-month trial period, West Japan Railway Co. officials said Saturday. JR West officials decided to coat railway tracks along the JR Kisei Line with a mixture of lion feces and water to scare off the deer that had been grazing near them and causing delays through stoppages brought on by crashes or attempts to remove them. JR West started taking the unconventional step of using lion poop as a deer repellant in autumn last year following a spate of train accidents brought on by the deer being on the train tracks. In the little more than three months that the lines have been coated with deposits from the kings of the jungle, there has not been a single report of an accident involving a deer. (Mainichi Shimbun, Feb. 22, 2003)

     Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first known female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist. The woman, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrak's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide.
     Anthropologists having discovered a living female railfan, apparently the first ever, Cherry Allen, 21. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake. Extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual genetic female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Allen was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950. She is also tall, slender and very attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Allen enjoys watching sports on TV and scratchbuilding superdetailed O Scale modern diesel locomotives or repainting an Overland model a “friend” donated to run on her latest layout. In a recent interview, this blue-eyed blond from the sunny beaches of Las Vegas confessed she is "still looking for that special someone." Who is her ideal man? "Well," she said, "A guy who loves spending afternoons lounging in the hot tub and reading old issues of Trains magazine."
     The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly pretty small chance, but still…"

If you are overly fond of railroads and like to dress up like a “choo-choo” — then you’re a TRAINSvestite…