HOME	Suppliers	Schedules	Clubs	Resources	Subscriptions/Ads	Contact OSN
LATE NEWS	JOKES	CONVENTIONS	HOBBY SHOPS	WRITING TIPS	HALL OF FAME	SUPPLIERS VIA MAIL

Freight Jokes

Favorite Quotes	Odd Rail News	Amtrak	Train Travel	Sneaky Shopping Tips
Puns/Wordplay	Christmas	God's Layout	Christmas II	RR Employees (& Management)
Commuters	Freight Trains	RR Groaners	Russian RR	Rail Fanning vs. Deer Hunting?
Halloween	Hubby- Hobby?	Conductor's Tale	eBay Fun?	Railroad Wedding
Model RR Haiku	Laws & Rules	Railroad Rhymes	Trains & Irish	You Might Be A Model Railroader

Cost Savings? Hmmmm.....

The freight railways are always looking for ways to cut labor costs. Years ago there used to be five crew members on a train. Then they went to four, then three and now many freight train crews are made up of two people, the engineman and the brakeman.      They finally figured out a way to eliminate one more crewman, many were surprised to find out that they were eliminating the engineman. And they replaced him with a baboon who had been sent to school for only 12 hours.      On the first trip the brakeman was a bit leery but thought he's give it a try. They outfitted the cab of the engine with two color monitors, one in front of the baboon and one in front of the brakeman.      While in the yard, the brakeman heard the carman on the radio call for the brakes to be setup for the brake test. The screen in front of the baboon flashed the message "SETUP BRAKES" which the baboon did.      Next the carman called for the release of the brakes, the monitor in front of the baboon flashed "RELEASE BRAKES" which the baboon did.      Finally the carman call and gave the "OK on the brakes, you may proceed". The dispatcher gave the train the clear signal and the monitor in front of the baboon flashed "CLEAR TO PROCEED" and the train departed.      For the next several (make that four hours we wouldn't want the overtime ticket) hours the screen would flash various messages and the baboon would do exactly what the screen instructed.      As the train pulled into the destination yard the baboon's screen flashed the instruction "APPLY BRAKES, YARD TRAIN" and the train came to a stop right in front of the yard office.      The brakeman started to become worried, here was the baboon driving the train and getting all the instruction. He started to wonder why the railway had kept his position. Then the screen in front of the brakeman started to make a horrible sound and started flashing "FEED THE BABOON"

Asking The Right Questions

A time freight rear-ended a local peddler freight one night, and the ensuing investigation centered on whether or not the crew of the first train had flagged the second train sufficiently.      “Now, then,” said the superintendent to the peddler’s rear brakeman, “were you flagging your train that night?”      “Yes, sir,” he said.      “And were you at least a half-mile from your train?” asked the super.      “Yes, sir,” said the brakie.      “And did you attempt to flag the express down?” asked the super.      “Yes, sir, and they went right on past me,” the brakie said.      “And did you use a red lantern?” the super asked.      “Yes, sir,” the man said. “Of course.”      Well, the railroad couldn’t decide who was at fault, so the investigation was closed.      “You did just what I asked you to,” said the conductor of the local freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing. “You told the truth. But were you nervous at all?”      “You bet!” replied the brakeman. “I was hopin’ that guy wouldn’t ask me if the lantern was lit!”

Da Janitor Story

An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft. They arranged for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, a manager told him, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your Email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day." The man protested that he had neither a computer nor an Email address. To this the MS manager replied, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft." Stunned, the man left. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10.00 in his wallet, he bought a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. In less than two hours, he sold all the tomatoes one by one for a 100% profit. Repeating this several times more that day, he ended up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. It dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplied his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Another year goes by and now his business stretches from coast to coast. He has thousands of pickup trucks and is adding a rail division to ensure shipments to all of his branches. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his Email address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no Email, the insurance adviser is stunned. "What, you don't have Email? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, Email and Ecommerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!" By definition, a fable must have a moral. This one has four: The Internet, E-mail and E-commerce do not need to rule your life. If you don't have E-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. Since you got this story via the Internet (or by E-mail), you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than a millionaire. If have a computer and E-mail, then there is a good chance that you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.