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Train Travel Jokes

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If if ain't broke… don't ask???

And then there was the conductor who was being given a hard time by three out of the four passengers on his train.      They never missed a chance, whenever he was within earshot, to complain about the poor service, the slow progress of the train, and the inadequate and shabby accommodations.      So he finally turned to the fourth man, and asked how come he wasn't complaining.      "Oh, I'm riding on a pass, so I don't think it would be right for me to complain about something I didn't pay for." he said.      "But if things get any worse," he says "I'm getting off at the next station and buying a ticket."

Commuting Smarts

A commuter on the train was looking everywhere for his ticket — in his pants pocket, his jacket, his wallet. He was searching with great frenzy, much to the amusement of the other passengers, who could see that he had the ticket in his mouth. The conductor snatched the snip of paper, punched it and gave it back.       When he moved on, the commuter's companion said, "I bet you feel pretty stupid sitting there looking everywhere for your ticket when it was right in your mouth all the time." "Why stupid?" replied the commuter. "I was chewing the date off. "

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman quietly sitting across from him in the compartment trying to read his paper. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips mean You're above the rest of us. Look at me… I'm just an American and my own my. Why I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"       "Very sporting of your mother," the Englishman replied.

The Aussie Train Joke

An American, an Englishman and an Australian were traveling on a train from Melbourne to Sydney. The trip which normally takes over 10 hours could be boring and tedious, so the Aussie asked his companions if anyone was carrying a packet of playing cards to while away the time. No one had the required ingredients to be able to play Poker, but the American suggested that a game of charade would help to pass the time.      "What the hell is charade?" queried the Australian.      "I will give you clues about a popular film by miming and doing hands gestures, while you will try to name the movie. The main rule is that the person doing the charade must remain silent" explained the American. He then started the game by getting a piece of paper from his briefcase and throwing it out of the window of the moving train. "I know, I know" said the Englishman, "Gone with the wind"      Now it was the Englishmen turn to have a shot at the charade. He stood up on his seat and with both fists he started to hit his chest and pulling his face. "Oh that's King Kong" uttered quickly the American. He then got of his seat and started to kick frantically with his hands and feet. "That's easy" interrupted him the Englishman "Karate Kid"      Charade after charade, the train had arrived at its halfway stop at Albury. The Australian guy did not manage to guess any of the titles and felt quit inferior. As the train stopped at the station he quickly grabbed his companion's suitcases and bolted to the door. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?" screamed the other two in one voice. "The Great Train Robbery" he informed them and the Aussie disappeared out of the train.

TRAVELER: "What's the use of you having a time table if your rotten trains never stick to it?!" CONDUCTOR: " Well, sir... how would you even KNOW they was runnin' late if NOT for the timetable?"

Sob Story

An old man got on a train in Grand Central bound for LA. From the moment the train left the station, he started softly crying to himself. And the further from New York the train traveled, the more and the harder the man cried.      The other passengers speculated on his obvious misery. One couple said that he must be on his way to visit a sick or dying relative. Another said that he was obviously in great pain and that he must be going to a medical specialist to have a serious operation. Another yet said that the man was very poor and could not afford any food and was therefore starving to death.      Finally after three days of constant travel, the Conductor decided to intervene. He sat down alongside the old man and spoke softly, confidentially, and asked him why he had been crying so long and so much. The old man stopped his sobbing long enough to look the Conductor in the face and admit, he had been on the wrong train. Now wasn't that good reason to cry? I ask you.

AMTRAK?

On a slow train a young woman passenger said to the conductor, "See here, Conductor, aren't we ever going to reach Chicago? You can see I'm far gone in pregnancy. Well, if we don't get to Chicago soon, you'll have to help deliver the baby." The Conductor stared at her in horror. "But madam, you shouldn't have got on the train in this condition." And the woman replied, "I didn't."

Walking The Railroad

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.      Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Railroaded

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding on a train.      The Russian takes out a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he goes to a window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.      The Cuban then pulls out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window as the Conductor approaches. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.      At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

Convention Training?

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the convention — I'll be back within an hour."      The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes by close to the window and shakes the hotel room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Within minutes, another train shakes the room so violently, she's again pitched to the floor.      Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.      "Look… lie here on the bed — in a minute or two you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"      The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?

Victoria Station

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. "Sir, we don't stop at Victoria," the collector said. "But I have to get off there!" he insisted.      "Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."      "Will that work?"      "It's worth a try."      As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door.The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off!      He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.      As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"

On The Train

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.      And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.      Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."      Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says "There!"

Speed

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?"      "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

Ticket(s) for the Train 1: Dehli to Bombay

A Surd was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station.      When the train reached Delhi, the Surd's co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire.      The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys.

Crossing America

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem" the driver thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.      The driver decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Get Your Own *!#&%*! Blanket…

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.      In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."      The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married" "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies, "Get your own *!#&%* blanket!"

Two Engineers Die and Go to Heaven…

Unfortunately they found themselves in a long line before the pearly gates.      Not only was the line long, it moved very slowly. This was enough to try the patience of Job. As they were saying how slow the line was moving, they noticed an Old Man with a visor hat and sleeve garters go walking right past them.      The man had a train sheet under one arm and an ink pen in hand. The man walked past the entire line and right into heaven. This disturbed the engineers to no end. How dare a dispatcher cut the line!!!      As the two waited their turn, that was all they could talk about. When they finally reached St. Peter they wanted to know why he let the dispatcher cut the line.      St. Peter told them that he did no such thing.      Both of them swore that he did. As the argument went back and forth one of the engineers saw him, the little man, with a visor hat, train sheet under one arm and pen in hand.      St. Peter said, Oh Him. That was no train dispatcher that was God, he just thinks he's a Train Dispatcher.

Crossing Poland?

The engineer of a train passing through Poland could see no lights because the power had been knocked out by a severe ice storm.      "We're running out of coal," he said to his trainman, "but I think we're coming to Gdansk or Danzig, or whatever they call it now.      Let's stop and send the porter out to buy some more fuel.      Can you see a sign on the depot that says Gdansk in this dim light?"      The trainman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"

Beware Traveling Engineers

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to ride on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.      They all boarded the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, “Ticket please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.      The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers the engineer.      When they boarded the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”

Missing Buffalo

A New York businessman boarded a train in Albany on his way to Buffalo. As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car and gave the porter strict instructions to awaken him and put him off in Buffalo.      "I am a very heavy sleeper," the passenger said, "and I may give you a hard time, but I have an extremely important corporate meeting to attend. Make sure you put me off in Buffalo – even if you have to throw me off on my pajamas."      The next morning the man woke up to find himself in Cleveland. He located the porter and chewed him out with some very abusive language. After the man left, a bystander asked the porter how he could stand there and take the verbal abuse. "That weren’t nothin’," the porter replied. You should’ve heard the guy I put off in Buffalo!"

Tourist Travails

& A lone American soldier is riding on a crowded London train. He walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her. The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your lap so that I can sit down?". The English woman replies: "Young man, don't bother us, go away."      The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through the train and still can't find a seat. He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again: "Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please let me sit down."      The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you to go away and don't bother us, if you don't get out of here right now I'll call the Guard and have you removed".      By now the American has had enough. He picks up the poodle by the scruff of its neck and throws it out of the train window.      All this time an English gentleman has been peering over his newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American soldier and the English woman.      The Englishman says:" You know, you Americans are quite strange. First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use the wrong currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the window."