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Derail — Frustrate — Throw off the Track

A boxcar full of copies of Roget's Thesaurus was torn open during a derailment outside of town. The local newspaper reports that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."

Crossbuck Dressing?

If you are overly fond of railroads and like to dress up like a "choo-choo," then you’re a TRAINSvestite…

Just wondering — What is the hair color on a driver's license if the driver has none?

A report says the number of train derailments is up. What's the new slogan of the Union Pacific? "We love to fly and it shows…"

Writing & Railways

The Annual Bulwer-Lytton writing contest (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/) is based upon the beginning line of Snoopy, "It was a dark and stormy night..." The contest is run each year by the Department of English at San Jose State University. The award is given to the worst lead-in to a dreadful story. This story is by Richard Raymond III. It was one of the Runner Ups in the 2000 contest: Sighing, the professor rapidly scanned the English 101 term paper on "Early American Railways" submitted by the class dunce, determined almost at a glance that large portions had been lifted verbatim and without attribution from Clemens' "The Gilded Age" and "Innocents Abroad," assigned a failing mark to the pathetic fraud, and scrawled in red across the cover sheet, "Come, sir, this is TOO, TOO TWAIN."

Groaner

Of course you know what happened to the workshop cat who licked some calcium carbide from a lamp that was left lying around........ she had acetylene (a set of lean) kittens.

Amusing Signs for Layouts

For restaurant window:	Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of the funeral home:	Drive carefully. We'll wait!
For the propane filling station or hardware store:	Tank heaven for little grills.
For a radiator shop:	Best place in town to take a leak
For a hospital?:	To expedite your visit, please back in.
General purpose:	Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also.
General purpose:	Safety ladder, climb at own risk.
On an electrical appliance store:	Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!
Billboard sign:	Nobody reads billboards… but you just did.
Plumber?:	We repair what your husband fixed.
Tire shop:	Invite us to your next blowout.
Towing company:	We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
Billboard sign:	Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Pet Shop sign:	All birds going cheap.
Junk Yard sign:	Drive Reckless! It Helps Business!
Plumber sign:	Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
Clothing sign:	Joe's Pants is Open
Bookstore sign:	Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

No West?

Back during the days of expansion to the western United States, people traveled on fairly primitive railroads. This was not a particularly comfortable way to go, with the bumpy tracks and crowded seats. However, there wasn’t much choice.      Being in business to make money, the operators of these roads tried to think of various ways to increase revenue on each trip. People were willing to pay not only to ride out west, but they were willing to pay to ship things to friends and relatives who had already relocated. Of course, passengers were the most lucrative. So it follows that the more people you could transport on each trip, the more money the company made.      With that in mind, these companies tried to restrict passengers to be under a certain weight, in order to fit three people in a seat instead of only two. Not only would this have been extremely uncomfortable for the travelers, but it became obvious to those wishing to relocate that if this policy became widespread there would be no West for the reary.

The Rarey Circus Train Incident

A man was having a whiskey and water in his favorite bar when he noticed a small creature in the water glass. He called over the bartender, expecting another drink on the house. Instead, the barkeep said, "You lucky dog, do you know what that is? That's a 'Rarey', and they're so rare, that's only the second one I've seen!" As per plan, the man was somewhat mollified. With the bartender's instructions on keeping the rarey wet, he took it home.      The man kept the Rarey in a water glass for a few weeks, but as it grew larger, he had to to transfer it into a pitcher. Weeks passed, and the man proudly showed off his pet to all his friends and neighbors. After the Rary had progressed from a small aquarium to a very large one, he began to realize that showing the Rarey to people for nothing was a futile exercise.      As interested as people were, they must surely be willing to pay for a viewing. With that in mind, the man went on the road with his Rarey. He rigged up a tank inside a truck, with doors, steps, and railings, allowing people to pay admission, then file through the truck. He hooked up with a small carnival, and the money began to roll in. He traveled all over the Eastern Seaboard with the little carnival, progressing only into a larger truck, as the Rarey continued to grow.      By the time the carnival reached St Louis, the man's Rarey had grown so large, he was carried in a custom tank inside a custom trailer pulled by a big semi tractor. The man realized that his attraction had also outgrown the small traveling carnival, so he said his goodbyes and became associated with the Barnum & Bailey circus. The man and his now famous Rarey traveled in style, on a circus railroad train. By the time they reached Albuquerque, the trailer had grown large enough to fill one flatcar all by itself. All these custom modifications for the transport of the Rarey were certainly quite expensive, but it seemed the public just couldn't get enough - the money just rolled in.      After extended engagements all over Southern California, the circus moved up the coast, and by this time, the Rarey had outgrown the semi trailer, and was now ensconced in a huge tank that was part of an oversized railcar. The man became a little worried, because although admissions were making him rich, he realized that the end was near. No larger tank would be possible that would still allow him to travel with the circus, and of course, the Rarey just kept on growing.      The man hoped to make it as far North as San Francisco and perhaps even Seattle, but at the engagement in Monterey, the seams of the tank were weakening, and the end was obviously nigh. Very slowly, the tank car was shunted onto a cliffside rail siding. The man was faced with the dilemma of a Rarey disposal. The most obvious solution involved the return of the Rarey to its natural environment: the water. So the brokenhearted man hired a huge derrick to lift one side of the cliffside rail car. Just as the Rarey was about to slide out of the huge tank, a drunken hobo walked up, looked down over the side of the cliff overlooking the great Pacific Ocean, and said, "Its a Long Way to Tip a Rarey!"....

An O Scale Train Problem? by Himie Koshevoy

Two Parisian model train enthusiasts were engrossed operating their scale equipment in Montemarte. As the little trains went running about the tracks, cleverly controlled by the operators at the control panel, one of the engines kept falling off the rails each time it went through a certain siding switch.      One of the hobbyists, exasperated at the constant derailment, asked the other if he had an explanation. His partner examined the faulty switch and suddenly came upon the reason.      "Ah, Pierre," he cried, "I see now the reason why the train she keep derailing. ... It is too loose, le track."

American reporting marks

Is the ride particularly uncomfortable on the Ouachita Railroad (OUCH)?

Do potato shipments get any priority on the St. Paul Union Depot (SPUD)?

Everything’s just fine on the Arkansas-Oklahoma Railroad (AOK).

England and Holland seem to be well represented in America by Bradford Industrial Rail (BR) and the Norfolk Southern (NS).

There are probably more, like the East Texas Central (ETC).

Caesar the Bull

A Wyoming rancher had a bull named Caesar who was getting old.so he decided to sell him on the auction market. The only problem was that the nearest railroad was miles away and across across a river that hadn't yet been bridged.      Since Caesar had grown somewhat crotchety in his old age the rancher organized a crew of three men who he sent off with his ranch foreman to lead Caesar to the railroad line. After two days of travel Caesar and the crew arrived at the river near the market town. The tired crew members suggested to their foreman that they be allowed to relax and fish awhile before catching the ferryboat.      "What shall we do with Caesar while you fish?, asked the foreman. The men replied, "Oh, he can just graze on this lush grass along the river." After a long period of thought the foreman decreed,      "WE CAME TO FERRY CAESAR, NOT TO GRAZE HIM!"

Hmmmm....

After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The other commuter was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure," said the Southerner. "but she doesn't care how I cut the grass."

Railroad Put Downs? with additions from anonymous readers...

A brain like a BB in a boxcar.

Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has a slow clock.

Any slower and he'd be in reverse.

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.

A few open splices.

A few volts below threshold.

A span short of a bridge.

Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

Back burners not fully operating.

Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.

Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.

No one at the throttle.

Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.

Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.

Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.

Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.

Retirement

Do ex-locomotive engineers derail?

Do ex-electricians degenerate?

Used to be a railroad conductor, until my boss found out I wasn't trained.

More Rail-ly Bad Puns

Those who steal trains must have a loco-motive.

Those building railways have to do a lot of tracking, or their project will de-rail.

A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.

If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.

Every so often, railroad conductors have to go for retraining.

A railroad engineer must be sure not to loose his train of thought, or he might go down the wrong track.

On the old trains the engineer had a lot of esteem.

My train of thought has derailed.

Groaner

Q. Why did sleeping car fares increase? A. Because the berth rate went up.

A Stretch

An unfortunate man was born without arms, legs or a torso. Throughout life he sang the blues, longing for a body, and dreamed about it often. One morning he awoke after one such dream with arms, legs and torso! Amazed and full of wonder, he ran down the street hollering to everybody "look, I have a body!" He wasn't watching carefully crossing the tracks, however, because a train came along and ran over him. He was DOA at the morgue. Moral: Quit while you are a head. He should have been singing "I ain't got nobody. ... There's nobody for me!"

Groaner

Q. Why is the railroad angry? A. Because people keep crossing it.