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Odd Rail News |
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| Back during
the war, when anyone could get a job braking, the D&H hired a new kid from Troy. The Superintendent gave him
his copy of the Book of Rules and told him, "Now take this and study it. Keep it
with you at all times on the railroad, because any situation that might come up is covered in the Book of Rules." So the kid takes his book, says, "Thank you, Sir, I sure will!" and goes home to study the book. That night he gets a call for No. 7, the less-than-premier sleeper train from Troy to Montreal. He gets on the train at Troy, and the conductor tells him to go back and make sure the lanterns are all lighted and ready to go on the rear platform. The train pulls out while he's walking back through the sleepers, and up around West Waterford he's walking through one car when he sees a woman's bare posterior exposed through the curtains of an upper berth. "Hmmmmm — How do I handle this? Oh yeah, the Book of Rules!" So he gets out the Good Book, then runs to the rear of the train, grabs a red lantern and hangs it on the berth. Next comes a traveling salesman, who sees parted curtains and the red light, and gets the entirely wrong idea. Needless to say, there was blood on the moon when the word got back to the Old Man the following day, and the kid had a message waiting on his return to report to the Superintendent's Office RIGHT NOW! He walks in, and the Old Man inquires politely, "Son, what in the world were you thinking of when you hung that red lamp on that poor woman's berth on Monday night?" "Well, Sir," the new hire started, "you told me that anything that came up on the railroad was covered by a rule in the Book of Rules." "Yes, I did," said the Old Man. "But where in hell did you find a rule to cover that one?" "Right here," the new guy replied. "It says, 'The rear end of a sleeper, exposed by night, must be protected by a red light." Next day the kid was a Trainmaster. |
| An old Irishman
with a lame leg walks into a bar and mounts a stool with difficulty. The bartender serves him his usual. Then the
Irishman asks the bartender,"Is that God at the other end of the bar?" The bartender says, "Yes,
he stops by from time to time." The Irishman nods and says "Give him a Guinness from me." And the
bartender pours "God" a drink and goes back to his reading. Next a little old Italian comes into the bar bent over with a sore back. He mounts a stool, also with difficulty and asks for a glass of wine. The bartender serves him some Chianti. The old Italian also asks "Is that God at the other end of the bar?" Again the bartender says it is, and the old Italian tells the bartender to give God a glass of of his finest red wine. So the bartender goes into the back and returns with a glass of aged burgundy. Still watching TV, "God" accepts the wine and nods to the Italian and the bartender returns to his reading. Next an engineer comes limping into the bar and mounts a stool with great difficulty, and orders a longneck. The bartender serves him and the engineer asks him "is that God at the other end of the bar?" The bartender nods and the engineer says "Send him down a longneck from me," and then settles back to watch television and enjoy his beer. After a while God prepared to leave, but after he gathered up his papers. First he went over to the Irishman to thank him for his kindness. The Irishman smiled and said "anytime Father…" God smiled and blessed the Irishman and said "for that go out whole without a limp." With that the Irishman gets off the stool and walks away whole and healthy. Next God approached the little old Italian and thanked him also for his kindness. Then God told him "to go away whole and healthy." The Italian gets off the stool and walks away whole and healthy. Finally, God approached the engineer who was trying to get off his bar stool. "Let me help you," God said. "NO" pleaded the engineer, "Don't touch me sir, I'm already blessed — I'm off work on disability!" |
| A engineer
is driving north on a fairly winding rural road and spots his conductor heading his way. The conductor is driving
the same road but in the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the conductor leans out the window and hollers
"PIG." The engineer just smirks, sticks up his central finger. and yells back "B------."
They each continue on their way. As the engineer rounds the next curve, he runs into a huge pig that is just lying
in the middle of the road. The engineer is killed instantly in the accident. The moral of this story? If engineers would only listen… |
You may know who you are and what you are doing…God may know who you are and what you are doing…But if the Dispatcher does not know who you are and what you are doing — Then you'd better be on very good terms with God. |
| When Tom retired from the railway after 50 years service,
the company presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a memento. One wet day, his friends came visiting. They found him in the garden, soaking wet. He sitting on the step of the coach, smoking his pipe with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the rain. "Hullo, Lenny," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day like this?" "Can ye no' see," replied Lenny, with a nod toward the coach. "Daft railroad, they sent me a non-smoker!" |
The Foamer Channel: All UP All the TimeWhat if, somehow, some way, all the camera systems in the yards, existing and proposed, could be linked up, and then you could broadcast them over cable television. You know, like “The Foamer Channel: All UP All the Time” …“Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones that pissed you off in the first place?” Uncle Bob |
| Two engineers went into a diner, ordered two drinks,
and pulled out sandwiches from their pockets and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned (and a tad angry)
and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The engineers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and traded sandwiches. |
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Q: What's the difference between a Conductor and a Locomotive?
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| There was a switchman from Eola yard that went
down to Mexico for vacation. When he was there, he just had to go see a bull fight. Everyone down there was telling
him how exciting and dangerous it was, so, he went. As he was sitting in the stands watching the Matador, he was very unimpressed. He started booing and hissing at the Matador. Finally the Matador stopped and said, " If you think this is so easy Gringo, why don't you come down here and do it!" With that, the switchman took him up on it and went down into the Arena. He grab the red cape and said, "come on Bull!" So, the Bull pawed the ground and came charging at the switchman. When the Bull got close, the switchman just stepped up on his horns and walked over his back and stepped off. The crowd was amazed and cheered him. Well, this really pissed off the Bull, so he charged back at him and the switchman did the same thing. NOW the Bull is really MAD, and he's pawing at the ground kicking up dirt and dust and just then he lifted up his tail and made a huge pile. The switchman turn to the crowd and said,"Sorry folks the shows over, the engineer just fell out of the cab and I am going off duty." |
| A father and his young son were down at the depot watching the trains roll through. The boy turned to his father and said, "Dad, I want to grow up and be a Conductor!" His father looked down at him and grinned saying, "Son, you can't do both." |
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| Reliable train on faulty track
with uninterested staff doesn't work Steve Murphy, February 2002 — Commenting on Britain's troubled railways, thousands of ordinary people have been keeping what one describes as "this whole ramshackle, underfunded mess" running for almost a decade under privatization. And we don't like Amtrak in the USA? |
| A RAILROAD employee in India was reprimanded for taking an initiative not provided for in the regulations. Two days later he sent this telegram to the management in Bombay: "Tiger jumped onto engine. Devoured driver and mechanic. Then went into carriage and ate six passengers. Awaiting instructions." |
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To err is human, to forgive is not Amtrak policy. anonymous Amtrak employee |
Roanoke, VA - Norfolk Southern Corporation, which just
two months ago took control of large sections of the former Conrail railroad system, announced a new plan to ensure
the Company meets shareholder's expectations for its first quarter as a new rail giant. |
An Engineer is said to be a man who know a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less until finally he know practically everything about nothing.A Trainmaster on the other hand, is a man who knows a very little about a great deal and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about everything.A Roadmaster is a man who begins knowing practically everything about everything, but ends up knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with engineers and trainmasters. |
Once upon a time a Japanese Railway and an American Railway company decided to have a boat race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced hard and long to raise their peak performance. On the big day of the race the Japanese won by a mile.Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morale sagged. The American team's management decided that a reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A new American "Management Team" made up of management from Omaha, St. Louis, Houston, and Los Angeles was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese Team had (8) people rowing and (1) person steering. While the American team had (1) person rowing and (8) people steering. So the American Railway's management hired another American efficiency consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money and they advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough were rowing.To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to (4) Steering Supervisors, (3) Steering Superintendents and (1) Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the (1) person rowing the boat greater incentives to work harder. It was called "The Rowing Team Quality First Program." with meetings and dinners and many free pens for the rower. We must give the rower enpowerment and enrichments they said, through our "Quality First Program".The next year the Japanese team won by at least two miles. Humiliated, the American Railway company's management laid off the rower for poor performance, and halted capitol investments for new equipment. They then gave a special "High Performance" award to the (7) steering managers and distributed the moneys they saved as bonuses to the senior executives. |
When a cat is dropped,
it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. |
A man was applying
for a job as a yard controller. The yard master asked him a few questions to see how well he could handle emergency
situations that might arise. The yard master asks him “What would you do if you were in the tower and you saw the
eastbound 202 limited passenger train and the westbound 719 freight heading towards each other on the same track?”
The guy says “I’d throw a switch and route one of the trains off to another track.”
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A
big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was
missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair market
value of the bull. The case was quickly scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room
of the general store.
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Q: What do you
call a basement full of Yardmasters? |
At a station stop,
the railroad's president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. "You were going 65 mph and
the speed limit is only 60 mph, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!" |
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LAWYER: Did you see the automobile approaching the railroad track? CROSSING WATCHMAN: Yes sir — and I said to myself, That sure was a nice car — wasn't it?" |
There was the time that the president of the
Maryland and Pennsylvania (short-line) Railroad demanded to get a free pass to ride the Pennsylvania Railroad.
In exchange, he said, he'd give the president of the Pennsy a pass over the Ma & Pa. |
The Engineer said to the coalman: "If that's the last hunk of coal in your hand, You might want to save it for a reminder of your career working on the railroad." |
On a slow train a young woman passenger said to the conductor,
"See here, Conductor, aren't we ever going to reach Chicago? You can see I'm far gone in pregnancy. Well,
if we don't get to Chicago soon, you'll have to help deliver the baby."
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