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Laughing Under The Layout:

Newest jokes below 502 railway related quotes, jokes & news items catalogued by 11/28/2004

Favorite Quotes	Odd Rail News	Amtrak	Train Travel	Sneaky Shopping Tips
Puns/Wordplay	Christmas	God's Layout	Christmas II	RR Employees (& Management)
Commuters	Freight Trains	RR Groaners	Russian RR	Rail Fanning vs. Deer Hunting?
Halloween	Hubby- Hobby?	Conductor's Tale	eBay Fun?	Railroad Wedding
Model RR Haiku	Laws & Rules	Railroad Rhymes	Trains & Irish	You Might Be A Model Railroader

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."

Amtrak Shorty

The railroad serial killer is out there on the loose; and because he travels by Amtrak, authorities believe he may also be suicidal.

Old Train Station Yuks

Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train.      "The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster.      The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink; Blake had a Pepsi. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away. "Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.      An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.      "Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you laughing?"      "They came to see me off!" the boy replied.

The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air, before the doors slid shut.      Seeing at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."      The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at the *last* station."

Kiddie Groaner

Q: Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? A: He had to keep track of everything!

Patience is the art of losing your temper slowly. anon

Quando Omni Flunkus Moratati If all else fails, play dead.

Tie Groaner

Q: Why isn't it safe to doze on trains? A: They run over sleepers.

"I prefer my trains to my wife…" Mel Torme, on his divorce

Traveling Alone

An elderly gentleman on a train was mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process: mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.      Another passenger observed this, and after about an hour, he said, "Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?" "Oh, no," replied the oldster. "It's just that long trips get boring so I tell myself jokes."      "But why, sir," asked the passenger, "do you keep raising your hand?" "Well," said the oldster, "that's to interrupt myself because I've heard that one before."

"And remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy." Red Green (Rick Green character)

Close enough to a railroad joke?

Two doctors and the manager of an HMO were killed when another one of UP's freight trains got derailed. They lined up at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asked each man to identify himself.      The first doctor said, "My name is Dr. Smith and I was a pediatrician. I helped thousands of children with all kinds of medical problems."      "Enter" said St. Peter      The second man moved up and said, "My name is Dr. Jones and I was a psychiatrist. I've helped many people achieve mental health or, at worst, at least peace of mind."      "Enter" said St. Peter      The third fellow stepped forward and said, "I'm John Ross and I was the manager of an HMO. I have helped countless people get cost-effective health care."      St. Peter said, "You can come in too, but you may only stay three days. When your days are up, then you just float yourself outside or you can go to hell. Your choice."

Just politically incorrect

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system? "Technologically backward" What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?"Economically underdeveloped." What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system? "United States of America"

DCC Explained from several sources

For those not working with DCC, this is a form of command control that unlike some proprietary systems so that DCC products from a variety of companies (there is a wide range of prices here) can be used together on the same railroad at the same time. Unlike some of the proprietary systems, DCC is not "idiot" proof. Whether you are touting the benefits of a wired or wireless system, the one known drawback is operating with DCC controls it is physically possible (though usually quite improbable) that two locomotives will be operating on the same track controlled by different operators in opposite directions. Some models end up in this situation as their operators attempt to see "Doh, what will happen when we do this? Don't the trains just stop?" No, they don't. This has led to the joke that DCC may just stand for DIGITAL CORNFIELD COLLISION to explain what happens to those who probably should never have been allowed into the operating session in the first place. Most operators with DCC equipment actually do understand railroad operations and pay attention — so "cornfield meets" are extremely rare unless you are partying or you are a salesman promoting one of the other (* cough * Lionel, MTH etc.) control systems. People with no real interest in operations can always just turn the power on and watch train go round and round.

For the Irish politically incorrect

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"      "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, finish off the stations!"

Dumb Criminal Stunt from March 12, 2003

"A man tried to hijack a Bulgarian train using a pair of scissors and a goat horn."        The ex-railway worker, Ilko Hristov 42, did it out of revenge against his former bosses. Hristov locked himself in the cab and sealed all the doors trapping 120 passengers. He had boarded it at Bourgas station in SE Bulgaria after posing as a station worker. Police were called to remove him from the cabin, but Hristov injured two officers before being arrested. Bulgarian media said he had been fired from his job at the station and wanted to get back at bosses who had failed him in a job exam years before. slow news day

1900 News Quirk / Joke Origin? Double-Heading to be Forbidden in Texas?

RAILWAY & ENGINEERING REVIEW, 2/24/1900 p. 99      As forecast in our issue of last week, the Texas legislature has passed the bill authorizing the Railroad Commission to investigate into the running and operating by any railroad in this state of more than one working locomotive in any one train at the same time, and to authorize them to regulate, or forbid such practice, either on all or a part of such a railroad, and to prescribe a penalty for the violation of the Commission's order, and to provide that railway employees shall not be held to assume the risk of injury when engaged in the operation of trains propelled by two or more engines. The Texas legislature seems to read the maxim of the famous Texan as follows: "BE SURE YOU ARE WRONG, THEN GO AHEAD."

Next time, don't ask…

A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.      He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"      Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"      Still nothing... and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing, and smoking too!!!"      Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said… "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

Try this with flextrack...

Female Railfan Discovered: Experts Amazed

Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first known female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist. The woman, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrak's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide.      Anthropologists having discovered a living female railfan, apparently the first ever, Cherry Allen, 21. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake. Extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual genetic female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Allen was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950. She is also tall, slender and very attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Allen enjoys watching sports on TV and building super-detailed O Scale locomotives. In a recent interview, this blue-eyed blond from the sunny beaches of Las Vegas confessed she is "still looking for that special someone." Who is her ideal man? "Well," she said, "A guy who loves spending afternoons lounging in the hot tub and reading old issues of Trains magazine."      The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly pretty small chance, but still..."

Travel Agent Humor

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Wouldn't it be cheaper to fly to California and then take a train to Hawaii?" go Amtrak?

Ticket(s) for the Train 2: Scottish Rail?

A Scotsman left on a long trip taking a train the entire length of the line. Still at each station along the way he insisted that he had to get off of the train to buy a new ticket. And he did not buy a ticket for his final destination, but just one to take him to the next stop on the line.      After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked "Why are ya buying all of these tickets mon? Why not just save time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of yor trip?"      The Scot scowled at the very idea and darkly replied "My doctor has told me that I am not long for this world and I don't plan to waste any of my moneys on train tickets I won't use while I am here."

Second Generation modeling blues...

Lil' Joey and his father were working on models for the layout. His father had just finished his new All-Nation box when he decided to check on his son's progress. "Are you almost finished" asked his father.       "No," replied Joey.       "What's taking so long" his father asked? "You've been working on that office building for weeks, do you need help?"       Lil' Joey hesitated before he said, "No, I've just got to finish up this keyboard." "Keyboard?" his dad asked, "Yea," said little Joey. "The building was simple, but detailing the interior and wiring all of the 1:48 scale TSR-80 computers for the insurance company is a bear."

Steam or Diesel?

A man was walking along the beach one day, when he came across an old lamp. When he picked it up and wiped it clean, a Genie appeared... The genie said to the man, "Okay, I've been in there for a long time, and I really want to party, so make your three wishes quickly."       The man replied "Okay, for my first wish, I want a limo." Boom, a limo appeared. "For my second wish, I want the limo filled with money," the man said. Poof, it was done.       "And for my last wish I want a railroad built to Hawaii," the man said. The genie looked at the man, and said "Hang on a second, that's impossible! Do you know how long it would take me to try to build that??? Think of something else that wouldn't take as long," the genie begged.       The man thought for a second and finally said, "Okay, I want a better understanding of my wife."       The genie thought for a while and said, "Let's skip sidings and go for double tracks to start with from Honolulu to LA... and now did you want a steamer or a diesel with that?"

"Takin' train piktures? Yew ain't from around here, is you?" anon.

Siderodromophobia

Fear of trains, railroads or train travel.

Location, Location, Location

A simple solution for anyone who can't get keep their kids from playing on the tracks and to those who are bothered by "those noisy trains" — Don't buy a house next to the tracks. Instead, buy one next to a nice silent highway.

Sign of the Times

Resurrection, Locomotive Repair, and Leasing. We bring back the dead.

The Example

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.      "Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"      The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor, are you?"      "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.      "You're not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.      "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.      "You wouldn't waste the money at a model train store to improve your layout, would you?" asks the man.      "No, never," says the bum, "I don't play with trains."      The gentleman then asks the bum if he would like to come back to his house for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they're heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.      The bum asks: "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"      "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play with trains."

Couch Time

Bill Smith sat moodily over his drink, and his friend said, "You look pretty blue, Bill. What's the matter?"      Bill said, "My psychiatrist says that I'm in love with my O Scale GG-1 and that that's the source of my troubles." "In love with your GG-1? That's silly" his friend said.      "Yes. Isn't that ridiculous?" Bill replied. "Oh, I like and respect my GG-1. I have enjoyed its company and spending time with it these last few years, but love?"