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Amtrak Jokes & Misc. Humor

Favorite Quotes	Odd Rail News	Amtrak	Train Travel	Sneaky Shopping Tips
Puns/Wordplay	Christmas	God's Layout	Christmas II	RR Employees (& Management)
Commuters	Freight Trains	RR Groaners	Russian RR	Rail Fanning vs. Deer Hunting?
Halloween	Hubby- Hobby?	Conductor's Tale	eBay Fun?	Railroad Wedding
Model RR Haiku	Laws & Rules	Railroad Rhymes	Trains & Irish	You Might Be A Model Railroader

"Our national railroad network, which helped build our country and is an important economic lifeline, is a crucial component of our public transportation system. I support a healthy Intercity passenger rail system. I support current efforts to make Amtrak more efficient and competitive. I believe these efforts will result in better, more extensive and more reliant rail service for the millions of Americans who travel by train." Governor George W. Bush (Texas, October 2000)

Amtrak Notice? #1

Due to recent budget cuts in Washington, effective immediately, smoke will be eliminated from Amtrak operations. From now on this organization will be run entirely on mirrors.

An Engineer's grumble 2002… Thanks to the FRA for allowing the Emergency Windows on the ACELA cab of the engine to be so small only about 20% of the engineers can get out (even wiggling through it). Safety First

Follow up comments from other Amtrak engineers… I'M IN THE CAB OF AN ACELA ENGINE AND I CANT GET OUT! I thought the power cars are equipped with ejection seats? Look at the exit signs below the window in the power car. THEY'RE IN BRAILLE! RAILROAD SLIMFAST made from real Amtrak coffee grinds for the engineers that want to fit through the FRA approved emergency exit window in the new Acela Cabs. Start slimming down today you may fit through the window by summer. After being on the slimfast diet for railroad engineers wanting to fit out the FRA approved emergency window on the Acela engine cabs I must really say it WORKS! I can now get my head through it!

Amtrak Name Change?

Amtrak upper management has announced a name change to honor the company that served as their model for employee and passenger relations. Henceforth, the company will be known as AMRON.       It was also announced that a new logo is being designed. While details are sketchy, a source, who asked to not be named, indicated that it would include an employee from each craft, dressed in their new uniforms, and a large fastening device (We're guessing screw here, right?).

Courtesy of Amtrak

Q: What's so good about being a conductor? A: You don't have to work with one!

FRUSTRATION GETS THE BEST OF YOU… AMTRAK~

Punny Punishment?

Amtrak wants new business so badly that they are now offering some pretty cool amenities. For instance — you can buy a train ticket that is customized to your particular lifestyle and/or entertainment preferences. If you are a music lover, you can travel on the Jazz Train or the Rock & Roll Train (they will call that one the Night Train in memory of Elvis once it's 16 coaches are redone in black velvet). If you like Chinese food and coffee you can travel on the aptly named Orient Expresso Train (some of the trains cater to more than one pleasure).      Of course the most popular trains features an Internet chatroom and separate PC and MAC cars. Believe it or not they now have a train for that! You can buy a seat with it's own computer terminal, mouse, lap tray for the keyboard, the works! The train is adult though, on its route, in order to run full, it was divided into two sections — the computer section, and a section for nudists!      Okay, this one is big winner for Amtrak and tickets began selling minutes after the first joke hit the newsrooms, but the employees hate it from the ticket agents and station personnel all the way to the onboard conductors and Lsa's. After all, how many times can you hear people ask — 'Pardon me, boy, is that the Chatter-Nudie Choo Choo?" Before you end up with a 30-day suspension when you answer honestly…

Amtrak Customers Expecting Late Arrival… = ACELA~

What time is it?

One day an engineer calls the dispatcher and asks him for the time. The dispatcher responds by asking him what road he works for… The engineer is a little p*ssed and snaps "What difference does that make?" "Well," the dispatcher drawls, "if you work for the BN it's 2 pm; if you work for the UP it is 1400; if you work for the NFS the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 2; and if you work for Amtrak it's Tuesday!"

How Amtrak really works… author unknown

I finally figured out how AMTRAK really works! Let me tell you the story… Once upon a time, the government took over the passenger train business in this country and called it AMTRAK. Congress said "You need someone to run the station operations", so AMTRAK created a Station Agent position (SA-01) and hired a person for the job. And the people muttered: "How does the Station Agent do his/her job without instruction?" So AMTRAK created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (BS-12) and one person to do time studies (BS-11). And still there was muttering in the office, "How will we know the Station Agent is doing the tasks correctly?" So AMTRAK created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one BS-9 to do the studies and one BS-11 to write the reports. And still they muttered: "How are these people going to get paid?" So AMTRAK created the following positions, a timekeeper (TK-09) and a payroll officer (PO-11) and hired two more people to work in the office. The old office staff grummeled more: "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So AMTRAK created an administrative network and hired four people: a General Manager (GM-1), an Assistant General Manager (AGM-13) a Service Manager (SM-08), and a Produce Line Supervisor (PLS-07). After one year Congress told AMTRAK, "You have had this command in operation for one year and you are $30,000 over budget. You must cutback overall cost." So to balance the budget AMTRAK laid off the Station Agent…… — and over the years as the passenger whine rose to an Acela-like pitch. They rename everyone's jobs and discuss privatization, retirement, and THE FUTURE. — increased riders, get rid of station employees/travel agents/easy ticket access and assume that people who surf the Internet want to travel by train. — ditto, then add more Lsa's to fill the public's need for safety and radioactive (sic) hotdogs. (cynical employee posts)

Rail Linguistics

"Money-losing" is the prefix applied to rail, struggling to survive on the government's paltry $520 million annual appropriation. No such financial epithet applies to petrol-swilling, road-based forms of mobility — planes, cars, and trucks — which secure $46 billion dollars yearly from the federal trough and consume 60 percent of the nearly 20 million barrels of oil that Americans use every day. Prediction… 2004, save 520 million on Amtrak and add another 10 billion (+) to roads/airport costs alone. Feed Amtrak. Quick quiz (answers added whenever I get a request for some ;) #1 Amtrak Is the largest contract provider of commuter rail service in the US. Name the seven largest Amtrak-operated systems (extra credit if you start on the East Coast and end in California, bonus if you name two NOT on the Amtrak website!).

Mildly Amusing Timing

March 6, 2002 Testifying Wednesday before the House Transportation subcommittee on railroads, Amtrak President George Warrington called again for "a sustained federal commitment to build the kind of passenger rail system Americans need and want." His strategy during the four years he headed Amtrak was to push the railroad to fiscal health, but costs rose along with income and ridership. Watchdogs now agree it will not achieve self-sufficiency by the December deadline set by Congress. At the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee's subcommittee hearing on railroads, members praised Amtrak employees for sticking with the corporation during a trying period, and assured them that Congress would come to their rescue. "I don't think they [employees] should be concerned because we will find a solution," said Rep. John L. Mica (R-Fla.). / March 7, 2002 Amtrak President George D. Warrington will be leaving to pursue another opportunity, said John Robert Smith, chairman of the Amtrak board of directors. Warrington will stay on until an interim successor is named. A nationwide search is under way. Warrington is rumored to be the next executive director of New Jersey's bus and rail agency, NJ Transit where he worked serving as deputy state transportation commissioner before joining Amtrak.

Amtrak & a Good Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a year, we go on a nice train trip on Amtrak to another city… good food, great service… She takes the City of New Orleans, I have a ticket on the Capitol Limited. Amtrak, satisfaction guaranteed.

A Tale of Privatization…

Many have approached the privatization of public utilities, transportation, and even businesses in some places as a wonderful new idea… now name any similar programs in the last 50 years or more which is lauded — healthy, popular, and prosperous — a benefit of mankind and voices lower again pointing out distant tales and urban myths born in a land where all eat lunch for free. So all we can do is hope and hope that our country does not fall down a path which leaves us needing a modern-day Martin Niemoller (1892-1984) to preach lessons on assuaging our collective guilt? First they broke up Ma Bell, and I didn’t speak up, because I was looking forward to saving money on my phone bill. Then they came to deregulate the Utility Companies and Airlines, and I didn’t speak up, because I needed didn't fly that often and hoped to save some money on utilities to pay my higher local and long-distance phone bills. Then they came to privatize Amtrak, and I didn’t speak up, because I didn't use the train that often and could use a tax break to pay my higher local and long-distance phone bills, still have heat in the winter, and maybe fly off to see my folks in the spring if I had a week free taking into account the new airline security and other delays. Then they came to privatize Airports & restrict FAA involvement, and I didn’t speak up, because I don't have time to fly anywhere and could really, really use that tax break to pay the new tax on gas that was instituted to bail out private rail companies and guarantee power-commuting & bring us high-speed rail. Any money left over will go into a fund to pay the credit card company that is financing our higher phone and utility bills… If we save a few dollars we can afford to commute for vacation! My friends and I love commuting to work on the train, but the boss will fire us if we are late one more time — no more notes or form letters from the train conductor! Then they came to banish tollways and evenly tax all Road Use plugging a transponder in my car, and I couldn’t speak up, because I can't afford make any calls without permission from the credit card company that is garnishing my bank accounts directly to pay for new higher taxes and utility bills and besides the alternative is losing our car now (or later if we can't pay our monthly bill and sales taxes). Next month if the kids save up and drive over to see us, maybe they can bring me a bike to get around on. They keep talking about wanting to arrange somewhere more affordable for us to live. And now there no one left to speak up for us. TANSTAAFL. grummeling… 2/28/2002 copyright OSN

A cartoon following 9-11 shows a psychiatrist administering the Rorschach test. He held up a card with a drawing of an airplane. “What is the first thing you think of when you see this?” asked the psychiatrist. “Go Amtrak,” replied the patient.

"We spend, in this country today, a billion dollars a year cleaning up roadkill, from our nation's highways, and Amtrak has had to fight for chicken scraps, for $500 Million a year." George D. Warrington, former Amtrak President, 12/11/00 on the inaugural Acela Express

AMTRAK: Can they make money sponsoring fights?

Two Amtrak Engineers out of Needles, California stopped their train to duke it out over one of them smoking in the cab. Ed Von Nordeck wrote: Amtrak's response to engineers fighting on duty… 2001: Amtrak announced today that, "Effective immediately, all future job assignments for Amtrak Engineers and Assistant Engineers will be made by weight class, e.g., middleweight, light-heavyweight, etc. If an engineer cannot be paired up with another engineer of the same weight class, they will be required to accept an assignment with an engineer of the next heavier weight class, or go to the bottom of the board. Don King has been hired as head of Crew Utilization. Boxing gloves and mouthguards have been ordered and will be issued as soon as they become available. However, Amtrak will not require engineers to wear headguards as it was determined that the risk of brain damage to a locomotive engineer is extremely minimal. Conductors will be designated as referees, and all decisions are final. Losing engineers will be required to carry winning engineers' grips from the engine to the crew room and place them in the winners' vehicle if instructed to do so by the winner. Conductors will not be permitted to hold passengers' cash bets nor participate in the betting unless deadheading. The UTU has also successfully negotiated one additional crew member per train who will be designated as Second Assistant Conductor/Ring Girl. On-board food service personnel may work as ring corner-men during hours when the dining car is not open, but must wash their hands thoroughly before returning to work. Lounge car attendants must remain at their posts during the bouts. Baggagemen may not work as ring corner-men until all checked baggage has been handled. Flagmen may not work as ring corner-men at any time, unless train is in CTC territory, protected by at least two signals to the rear, or has been relieved by the Dispatcher of protection as required by Rule 99."

"I don't know what I'm going to do, but I sure as hell won't work for a railroad!" Roger Lewis, Amtrak's first President

Knock, knock... (kiddy file)

KNOCK, KNOCK Who's There? Paul Paul who? Paul aboard Amtrak...

First British Rail Privatized and Amtrak is threatened. Bless the British, is this their newest threat to offer the world?

The scheme, proposed by the Government's independent transport advisers, would see drivers handed monthly bills charging them for every single journey. Cars would be fitted with a satellite tracking meter to charge drivers up to 45p a mile for every journey taken under radical plans to slash congestion on British roads. Monthly bills will be sent to each car owners home (and hopefully paid, still the road to fraud would be swift… why bother with car theft, steal the transponder and bill your travel to someone else's account…). In its report, the commission will warn that even huge improvements to train services, bus routes and massive road-building projects would not be enough to clear Britain's choked roads. Professor David Begg, the commission chairman, told The Observer: 'We have the worst traffic jams in Europe. Without congestion charging we are not going to solve it - we can never provide enough public transport.' The Government is unlikely to welcome Begg's report at such a sensitive time. Ministers, and Transport Secretary Stephen Byers in particular, are under fire for the collapse of Railtrak and the sell-off of air traffic control, as well as failing to solve the wider transport crisis. January 2002 news story In the US, we can only hope this does not catch on...

Doh? Quote of the Day from UK Rail Manager (Chiltern Railways)

'Reliable trains on faulty track with uninterested staff doesn't work' Steve Murphy February 2002 — Commenting on Britain's troubled railways, thousands of ordinary people have been keeping what one describes as "this whole ramshackle, underfunded mess" running for almost a decade under privatization. And we don't like Amtrak in the USA?

Bumper Sticker

"Privatize Amtrak — Freeze a Yankee."

Amtrak Notice? #2

Due to recent cutbacks,the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Foreign SUCCESS stories are a difficult to find… and US Government says: Privatize Amtrak?

British rail privatization remains mired in controversy. The punctuality and reliability of train services shows no sign of improvement, while the number of complaints rises. (June 25th) Pre-tax profits have doubled for Richard Branson's Virgin Trains: despite its rail services being among the most unreliable. A recent report showed that Virgin's West Coast and CrossCountry services failed to achieve targets for reliability and punctuality. However, the company defends its £28m profit figure for 1998-99 as "very modest". (June 24th) Commuters and tourists traveling in London are set for a summer of misery after it was announced one of the key tube lines will be closed for eight weeks. The Circle Line is one of the most important routes under the capital, connecting mainline rail stations such as Paddington, Victoria, Liverpool Street and King's Cross. It also passes such famous landmarks as the Houses of Parliament, the Natural History Museum, Madam Tussaud's, and the Tower of London. (June 24th) A high speed train traveling at 100 mph crashed into the rear of an empty commuter train on Britain's West Coast Main Line injuring 29 people. The express train, forming the Virgin Trains' 0635 Euston - Glasgow service was approaching Winsford station in Cheshire when the accident occurred at 0852. The empty train, belonging to First North Western was en route from Crewe to Manchester Piccadily. (June 23rd) The operators of Melbourne's first privately operated tram service face stiff penalties if they fail to significantly improve the punctuality and reliability of trams, or keep their customers satisfied. After its takeover of Bahntrans from Thyssen Haniel and Deutsche Bahn, Belgian Railroads has discovered many skeletons in the cupboard. It is reorganizing drastically in order to limit its losses. (June 22nd) The Taiwan High Speed Rail Corporation is having trouble attracting necessary capital, but the government is not providing any more money. The lack of capital is pushing back dates for groundbreaking and completion, so the railway will not likely be ready for the year 2003 as planned. The company has not made a final decision between Euro-Train and Japan's Shinkansen bullet-train technology. Differences over how to share a tangled web of risk and potential reward between the government, lenders and THSRC, which won the 35-year contract to build and operate the line, have fueled uncertainty over one of Asia's biggest infrastructure projects. Infoseek story. (June 2nd/9th) A Swedish-German study of the Danish railway DSB has revealed that some main lines are in such bad shape that speeds must be reduced to 80 km/h from 120 or 160 km/h. (June 8th) Only history… if they get rid of AMTRAK, we'll get something much much better, nu?

We shouldn't have any illusion that we'll have any rail service if we privatize. Ross Capon Executive Director of the National Association of Railroad Passengers (NARP)

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) noted in February 2002 that the Federal Highway Administration received $32 billion this year, compared to $521 million for Amtrak. "I don't hear anyone arguing the highway system is bankrupting the country," he said.

Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) noted in February 2002 that the Federal Highway Administration received $32 billion this year, compared to $521 million for Amtrak. "I don't hear anyone arguing the highway system is bankrupting the country," he said.

If you work for Amtrak as a conductor part-time, does that make you a semiconductor?

If you do it well, do you become a superconductor?

Amtrak baby?

On a slow train a young woman passenger said to the conductor, "See here, Conductor, aren't we ever going to reach Chicago? You can see I'm far gone in pregnancy. Well, if we don't get to Chicago soon, you'll have to help deliver the baby." The Conductor stared at her in horror. "But madam, you shouldn't have got on the train in this condition." And the woman replied, "I didn't."

To err is human, to forgive is not Amtrak policy. anonymous Amtrak employee

Top 10 Reasons AMTRAK is Late at 30th Street Station

10. The conductor forgot his Rand-McNally road atlas. 9. Former senator Bob Dole tried to pay his fare with a check and no ID. 8. Rush Limbaugh got stuck in the doorway of the train. 7. PECO Energy turned off catenary power when electric bill was 1 minute overdue. 6. Amtrak forgot to include "On Time" on the status boards at Union Station. 5. Due to budget cuts, they had to replace a 2000 horsepower engine with 2000 horses. 4. The train had to return to the station because McDonald's forgot the engineer's fries. 3. The dispatchers were fired for communicating with a SEPTA train. 2. Waiting for UN interpreter to translate Penn Station mumble-jumble to English. AND THE #1 EXCUSE WHY THE AMTRAK TRAIN IS LATE: Line sold by Congress, downsized by private corporation, and property subdivided. Replaced by cramped buses. Two words: NO TRACKS!